Key to a happy marriage? Self-expansion

"For centuries, marriage was viewed as an economic and social institution, and the emotional and intellectual needs of the spouses were secondary to the survival of the marriage itself. But in modern relationships, people are looking for a partnership, and they want partners who make their lives more interesting." 

The notion that the best, not necessarily the longest-lasting, marriages are those that bring satisfaction to the individual may seem counterintuitive, Tara Parker-Pope writes in an article in The New York Times ("The Happy Marriage Is the 'Me' Marriage"' Jan. 2).  After all, she asks, isn't marriage supposed to be about putting the relationship first?

It's an interesting question and one that I turned over in my mind this morning as I began the first Monday of the new year with a literally new view. (We moved the furniture around in our condo and now we'll be eating our meals at a table next to a sun-splashed window looking out on the street below us.)

According to Parker-Pope, research shows that the more "self-expansion" people experience from their partner, the more committed and satisfied they are in the relationship. Two professors at Monmouth University in New Jersey have studied how individuals use a relationship to accumulate knowledge and experiences and they call that process "self-expansion." Another researcher in Amsterdam called it the "Michelangelo effect," describing the manner in which partners "sculpt" each other in ways that help each of them attain valued goals.

I think there's a lot of merit to this description of how two individuals enrich each other and evolve in the process. Physical attraction and an appreciation for other appealing qualities -- a sense of humor, a sense of adventure -- help lay a foundation. And over time, shared values (fairness, compassion, modesty) and life-changing experiences (parenthood, homeownership, travel) not only cement the bond, but they help create a shared identity.

There's no question that becoming parents and raising three wonderful children, with a few bumps along the way, has been the most profound of those shared experiences. Becoming homeowners was another important step we took together -- even more so the second time when we purchased our cabin on Orcas Island. It's a special-to-us feeling that we experience together whenever we set foot on the island. Likewise, the magical memories we created on a 20th anniversary trip to Oaxaca, Mexico, will forever occupy part of my brain.

Just as important, the research shows, the personal gains from lasting relationships become evident in subtle ways.

"Having a partner who is funny or creative adds something new to someone who isn’t. A partner who is an active community volunteer creates new social opportunities for a spouse who spends long hours at work," Parker-Pope writes.

Evenually, this process of self-expansion can become so well-established that people's brains become slower to distinguish between their traits and those of their spouses.

"It’s not that these couples lost themselves in the marriage; instead, they grew in it," she writes. "Activities, traits and behaviors that had not been part of their identity before the relationship were now an essential part of how they experienced life."

As I think back on 35 years of marriage, I see there's a lot of truth to that. Our left-of-center values have been a constant throughout our marriage. But as the years have piled up, I hardly pause to question where my "likes" and my attitudes came from in reference to diet and exercise, tastes in movies and books.

If you were to draw two circles at the start of our marriage, we'd have had two circles representing our separate selves with little overlap. By now, those circles would overlap pretty heavily, depicting how much we've each brought to the relationship. I hope in the process I've helped "sculpt" Lori as much as she's sculpted me.

Illustration by Heads of State